Mom-fessions: it's about to get REAL up in here

OK, I need to get something off my chest that has been stirring up in me....I am thankful for the stirring because it is my hope that it will cause action....and I am thankful for this blog because it is my hope it will create accountability and support....

I've been using the television WAY too much lately with Ellie and it has become a bad habit! 

I am NOT ok with this and this is me admitting it and then committing to making some changes. It goes against the parenting style I desire to have for my girl and it boils down to me being plain LAZY! I am going to skip the beating myself up part of this blog (done it enough in my head) and just focus on my goals and desire for change.

Let me also say, that I am 100% NOT judging ANY parents that do let their kids watch tv. This isn't about that.

This isn't about me wanting Ellie to never watch tv or movies, I do believe there's a time for that and I have always wanted to have family movie nights with popcorn and jammies and kids piled on the couch when their older....But if I'm being honest, I will tell you that lately OPB has been on at our house every morning from 7:00am to 11:00am and that is 4 freaking hours!! I don't care if Sesame Street is educational, I no longer want to accept this about myself.

This is about me not wanting to take the easy/lazy road when it comes to how I want to spend time with my daughter. I don't stay home with her all day and so the time that I get with her is limited and precious but more often than not lately I have found myself turning to a cartoon or movie so I can get something done, have a moment to myself or do something that (yes, I am going to admit this!) satisfies/fufills me MORE in that moment than simply playing with/being with my daughter....

Ok, maybe I am going to beat myself up a bit over that one because it kind of sickens me that that is where I am at right now in my feelings. I have a beautiful amazing daughter in my life and every single word in my letters to her are completely honest and true but I also know I have gotten selfish and off track. And I'm not going to settle for that because I know I am better than that and I also know she DESERVES better than that.  I am not saying that my world needs to revolve 100% around Ellie, 100% of the time because it doesn't and it can't and it shouldn't.  I need to focus on being the "best" me for me so I can be the best me for her, and him and HIM. I know there is a intricate balance of motherhood, wifehood, sisterhood, daughterhood and everything else we want to be as women that is involved there.

I am saying that I want to have an attitude that reflects my true heart and desires for our life and my child. I am saying that I am ready to make some changes and not settle for easy and convenient anymore. I have seen all kinds of ideas for interacting with kids, or teaching them, or just being with them all over the internet, in books and just lived out by people and I have always appreciated them and looked forward to doing them with my own kids and it's just time for me to get back to that. A friend once told me that "they loved how I got down on the floor and just played with Ellie" and I want to be that mom again. I know I still AM her, I just want to be her MORE again.

This is what I do know:
there will still be times Ellie watches some tv,
but there will be times where my knees are dirty from crawling around on my floor and dishes will remain unwashed for a while longer,
there will be times when it's hard to read a book for the 50th time again,
but there will be times where my soul is blessed by a hug and a slobbery kiss,
there will be times when it's a struggle to think of something new to do,
but there will be times of adventures, pretend, and fulfillment.
Ultimately the hard, the boring, the frustrating, the lazy, the ugly, the WHATEVER....will be drops in the bucket compared to,
the times of peace, joy, learning, sharing, growing, living, LOVING.....and i KNOW this!
(I think I really needed this typed out reminder though!)

This is what I also know: There will no longer be 4 hours of cartoons in the morning,  I COMMIT to knowing that and living it out and I want you: dear readers, friends, mama to know it too!

There is grace in community, there is strength in accountability, there is renewal in confession.

Thanks for reading this friends.

something to blog about....

Not to say that I haven't had countless things to blog about because of our "mini miller" but this one I am making the time to add to this special long neglected little space...

Dear Ellie-girl,

Last night as I was putting you to bed, I was struck in such an overwhelming humbling way of the precious gift which you are to me, that I have been given from our Heavenly Father above.

And as tears slipped silently, joyfully down my cheeks, I began to pray aloud. Little girl, you did not know I was praying, I mean how could you possibly really understand the words more than just thinking I was speaking aloud as you heard my voice. The example of prayer that we have given you so far has been at meal times, gathered around the table, hands held and heads bowed.

We sat in the dark, in the old green $4 chair from goodwill, wrapped cozily in your blanket, milk cup gripped in your hand as I expressed my deep gratitude to our Lord for your life and the gift, the privilege of being YOUR mother. I prayed for your years to come, that you would come to know the truest Love of all, that you would shine for Him.

And then sweet baby of mine.....you said one simple word......."AMEN!"

Dear one, you know! You knew! What an amazing gift of a moment last night, in that old green chair, written upon my heart, for always. Our God is so good!

More to say about that....

I thought about adding it to the previous post but then just decided to do another one....

Over the last 2 months, a few people have asked, "Do you feel like a mom now?" And honestly, I guess I did in ways of course, but at the same time I didn't. and I would answer that question honestly saying...."I think I will when I hear her call me mom or say mama the first time".

Because that's really what I thought......but today, in that little room, when I heard that cry, all I wanted to do was have her in MY arms and for that nurse to get the H$%^ away from her! (seriously, I thought that! NO offense nurse, you were just doing your job..... just continuing with the honesty thing here). I wanted it to be over, I wanted to get out of there, I wanted her to be ok! (which yeah, I know she already was)

I've heard my girl cry (of course) but I had yet to hear that "I'm in pain" cry! and it was different and in reality, I know, I really do know that is was only a minor, couple second pain.....but in that moment, I felt it too! I felt her feelings along with my own it seemed.

and then when she was back in my arms and I was wiping those tears away, nursing and "shhhhiinnggg" her...

THAT is when I felt like a mama!