Mom-fessions: it's about to get REAL up in here

OK, I need to get something off my chest that has been stirring up in me....I am thankful for the stirring because it is my hope that it will cause action....and I am thankful for this blog because it is my hope it will create accountability and support....

I've been using the television WAY too much lately with Ellie and it has become a bad habit! 

I am NOT ok with this and this is me admitting it and then committing to making some changes. It goes against the parenting style I desire to have for my girl and it boils down to me being plain LAZY! I am going to skip the beating myself up part of this blog (done it enough in my head) and just focus on my goals and desire for change.

Let me also say, that I am 100% NOT judging ANY parents that do let their kids watch tv. This isn't about that.

This isn't about me wanting Ellie to never watch tv or movies, I do believe there's a time for that and I have always wanted to have family movie nights with popcorn and jammies and kids piled on the couch when their older....But if I'm being honest, I will tell you that lately OPB has been on at our house every morning from 7:00am to 11:00am and that is 4 freaking hours!! I don't care if Sesame Street is educational, I no longer want to accept this about myself.

This is about me not wanting to take the easy/lazy road when it comes to how I want to spend time with my daughter. I don't stay home with her all day and so the time that I get with her is limited and precious but more often than not lately I have found myself turning to a cartoon or movie so I can get something done, have a moment to myself or do something that (yes, I am going to admit this!) satisfies/fufills me MORE in that moment than simply playing with/being with my daughter....

Ok, maybe I am going to beat myself up a bit over that one because it kind of sickens me that that is where I am at right now in my feelings. I have a beautiful amazing daughter in my life and every single word in my letters to her are completely honest and true but I also know I have gotten selfish and off track. And I'm not going to settle for that because I know I am better than that and I also know she DESERVES better than that.  I am not saying that my world needs to revolve 100% around Ellie, 100% of the time because it doesn't and it can't and it shouldn't.  I need to focus on being the "best" me for me so I can be the best me for her, and him and HIM. I know there is a intricate balance of motherhood, wifehood, sisterhood, daughterhood and everything else we want to be as women that is involved there.

I am saying that I want to have an attitude that reflects my true heart and desires for our life and my child. I am saying that I am ready to make some changes and not settle for easy and convenient anymore. I have seen all kinds of ideas for interacting with kids, or teaching them, or just being with them all over the internet, in books and just lived out by people and I have always appreciated them and looked forward to doing them with my own kids and it's just time for me to get back to that. A friend once told me that "they loved how I got down on the floor and just played with Ellie" and I want to be that mom again. I know I still AM her, I just want to be her MORE again.

This is what I do know:
there will still be times Ellie watches some tv,
but there will be times where my knees are dirty from crawling around on my floor and dishes will remain unwashed for a while longer,
there will be times when it's hard to read a book for the 50th time again,
but there will be times where my soul is blessed by a hug and a slobbery kiss,
there will be times when it's a struggle to think of something new to do,
but there will be times of adventures, pretend, and fulfillment.
Ultimately the hard, the boring, the frustrating, the lazy, the ugly, the WHATEVER....will be drops in the bucket compared to,
the times of peace, joy, learning, sharing, growing, living, LOVING.....and i KNOW this!
(I think I really needed this typed out reminder though!)

This is what I also know: There will no longer be 4 hours of cartoons in the morning,  I COMMIT to knowing that and living it out and I want you: dear readers, friends, mama to know it too!

There is grace in community, there is strength in accountability, there is renewal in confession.

Thanks for reading this friends.

confession

i got mad at my daughter this morning......mad as in crying tears in frustration and being a little "freaking out" upset.

i got mad at my husband too, so that certainly didn't help the situation.

I had fed her at 4:30 am and brought her back to bed but she just wasn't falling back asleep as she normally has been. Matt generously offered to get up with her (I wasn't mad at him yet!) so I could sleep some more. It was about 5:30 at this time. Around 6:30 he brought her back to me, saying he thought she was hungry again.

So to the couch we returned and then it all went downhill from there. i just couldn't get her to latch on, she got more and more hysterical and shed more and more tears too. Cried and screamed the kind of sounds that pierce your heart but also if I'm being honest make you a little mad and frustrated since you know she simply needs to just close her little lips and suck. She's right there and fighting so hard against what she seems to want so desperately.

And then there was Matt, hearing her like that, and I know wanting desperately to help her and me, but basically saying all the wrong things or the ones I just didn't need to hear right then, so I pushed Matt away and told him to just leave me alone. We weren't very nice to each other and he did end up just leaving me alone and returning to bed (but honestly it was what I needed). I kept trying and trying but then I gave up, maybe she just wasn't hungry. It had after all been only 2 hours since she had last eaten and at night or early early morning, she usually goes 4-6. So like I said I gave up. Then I did the only thing I could think to do and maybe get right.

I brought that sweet, hysterical, precious, poor babe to my shoulder and snuggled her into my neck they way she likes (the way I think she likes) and rocked, rocked until she quieted (within in a couple seconds) and rocked until we both slumped down together on the couch and fell fast into a deep hard sleep.

Maybe that was all we both needed, to just BE together, cry together, and rest.....together.